Meow

I wish he would take me away from everything

Kidnap me and bring me to a place without white noise.

Total silence.

I want to hear the sound of an owl’s wings in the dead of night under the black night with only the moon and the stars

Go for a dip in an cool lake during the warm evening

exchanging kisses and sweet nothings.

people hurt themselves.

hurt their friends.

Though I’d like to,

I can’t save them from themselves.

But not the war. It’s never too late to keep trying.

I used to love learning. When I was a small child, I came home and read as many books as I could. I would sit for hours up in our playroom and come up with complex plotlines for my dolls or pretend I was a character in Harry Potter.

I’m not the brainy kid I thought I was going to be. I always thought I would grow up and be the smartest kid and my parents would be so proud and I would be better than my brother at the piano and… It’s all very laughable now, my little dream.

I always wonder… if I hadn’t given two shits about what other kids in school thought of me, would I have even picked up my computer and logged onto myspace? Or spent hours on the phone with girls who cared nothing for my feelings? Probably not. I would have spent more time doing things that wouldn’t end in embarassment, hurt, or confusion. 

I’d kill to be one of those kids who just pick up math in an instant, or have a greater understanding of politics and social sciences, or have the analytical skills of a college professor. I’m not stupid; not all the time or at most subjects. But to be blessed with intellect as sharp as a blade… I am green with envy.

I named her after a waitress I met when I was in the first grade.

She’s my first dog.

She’s always been more like a cat than a dog.

She’s 10 years old.

 I used to use her name for all of my passwords.

She’s a purebred bichon with an unrivaled perm.

She’s royalty when she comes back from the groomers.

She’s never mellow. 

I dressed her up until she hated me.

She’s known for the bichon buzz at our house- a burst of energy where she’s a speed demon who wrecks our furniture and wood floors.

She scratches you if you don’t give her scratchy.

She’s the spunkiest and most resilient of all three dogs.

I once spet a valentines day with her feeding her lollipops and trying to tap her tongue every lick- just for giggles. 

She always pulls on the leash during walks; like she thinks she’s gonna go somewhere without me.

She’s always there to protect the yard against the evildoers on the sidewalks on the other side of the gate.

She’s like the sister I never had.

I don’t have much time until “she’s” no longer means “she is”  and becomes “she was”.

Usually.

I had steak for the first time in about a year tonight.

I have to apologize to someone.

Anyone.

But who? 

My dad plopped it in front of me, nestled amongst rice and eggs and broccoli.
I just ate it. I was shocked by how little I cared that it was red meat, all because I was  just hungry.

I feel like my skin is crawling, and at the same time, I’m nauseated with myself for making it a big deal. 

Vomiting is a disservice. It’s like the cow was slaughtered for nothing.

I asked the cow for forgiveness, and thanked it for supplying me with protein. 

I have plenty.
More than enough.

I wish I hadn’t kissed him.
The boy I didn’t care about.

I wish I hadn’t hurt him.
that boy who loves me. 

I wish I could take back the things
that I said behind the back of the boy who loves me. 

I wish I could take my darkest moments with my family
and shine light and wisdom on them.

I wish I had taken time to tell my parents I loved them every time I left home
I’m one lucky son of a bitch, because they’re still here so I can say it now. 

I wish I had stood up to them
those peers who made me hate myself.

I wish I loved him back
that boy who loves me.



There will be satisfaction in the futurre.
but there is more regret to come.

It wasn’t perfect.
Far from it.
But for a while, things were okay.
By ignoring all problems and responsibilities
Showering them with excuses
I only dug myself deeper.
Time to climb out, I guess.